I've tried this blog thing three times now. First, I posted photos of everywhere I was going and doing. After a while, I was just forcing myself to create content and shoot thus resulting my creativity to plummet and shutter count go up. Second time around, I was just writing and realising that I don't always want to type and fact + grammar check myself. Being highly opinionated led me to posting once (you can read that here) which I still think is relevant (enter me being highly cocky as well) but I was restricting myself to just my mind spew. Here I am, two tries later with one blog post on my third go. I want to write, post, shoot whatever and whenever with no restrictions, after all it's my show. Which brings me to the real topic of this post - restrictions.
My lower grade restriction was choosing between travel, writing, photography and so on, but I've now added categories, so I can enjoy whichever ones I want (on my blog... hopefully in my life too). However, much more serious restrictions are what urged me to write this post. Although, I think myself to be quite free person of others' opinions and thoughts, it dawned on me that I still like to compartmentalise myself and keep things under control at any given moment. Setting boundaries, usually excessive, helps me be in control of everything in my life. But by being so in charge of all things, I lost my mind when things were suddenly out of control. Restricting my diet only brought up health problems. Restricting my taste left out great options I didn't even know existed. I set myself up to failure by being to wound up by myself.
I also realise that I'm not the only one who has these limitations mainly set by myself for myself. And talking to a friend she said that she no longer knows who she is because of all the standards she had for herself. She was influenced by other people how to think, what to wear and in general who to be. What my friend and I had in common was the judgement and fear, whether it was other people's or my own. She lost herself in the way she was perceived by others and I lost myself by conforming to one set standard. This might have something to do with both of us being perfectionists, but I decided to let go of this "perfect" notion long time ago.
I think a lot of girls can relate to trying to fit into the trends and standards there have been set out for us by Alexa Chung (I'm never going to have a French girl closet where low cut Levi boyfriend jeans will be and effortless look for me) and men who like me to wear no make-up although they clearly prefer me with subtly painted face. Just as an FYI and to cover my butt, I do wear Levi jeans because I'm so effortless that I just pick out my jeans without looking from my capsule wardrobe (restrictions-schmeztritions-blegh) and don't wear make-up because I am so fucking effortless that I don't even care what men including women think (95% of the time). And yes, men have a lot of social norms as well that are no good. But hey, I don't really care if you have abs, in fact I prefer if you don't. And men do cry and it's amazing, they are human with emotions and I will cry with you, because I care more about your mental health than this facade of alpha male. So it doesn't really matter what you do, it just matter if you yourself think it's important.
I don't think anybody should get worked up so much about who they are by others or themselves. It's a journey and sometimes being confused and all over the place is where it's at.
So here I am with three Instagrams (because I still like my things neat, okay?!?!), but I'm good, because I'm letting things go - I am accepting.